Fertile Imagination

Infertility and the Power of Rational Problem Solving

September 2, 2010 – 2:35 am

By Julie Stockman

I have a defense mechanism that has always served me well. I expect the worst while hoping for the best. If things work out for the best, I can rejoice. If they work out for the worst, well…at least I was right. Some simply call it “not getting my hopes up.”

When I was suffering infertility and multiple miscarriages between my first and second child, this is exactly the way I approached each new pregnancy. After the first unexpected pregnancy loss, I tried to expect the worst – bleeding, cramping, loss of pregnancy symptoms – every single day throughout the first trimester. Never again did I want to plan with excitement for the day our beautiful, healthy baby would be born, only to be crushed by grief at the sight of bleeding in a public restroom stall.

But as I began to read possible reasons for my infertility, over and over again I read authors talking about the power of positive thinking for a pregnancy. All I needed to do, they asserted, was quit doubting my body’s abilities, visualize a healthy pregnancy and a strong developing baby, and – above all – remain calm and unstressed.  Apparently, I could think myself pregnant.

The problem was, what I heard was that I could just as easily think myself not pregnant. After every miscarriage, I wondered, “Did I cause this?” Did my natural defense mechanism cause this miscarriage? Was I hurting my little babies-to-be by indulging a realistic outlook instead of an ignorantly positive one? Was I causing my body to not cooperate by worrying about each pregnancy instead of remaining calm and assured of a positive outcome?

The mind games a pregnant woman can play with herself are already intense. Those authors who were promoting positive thinking as the infertility cure were really just placing the blame for my infertility squarely on my shoulders, all the while telling me to take it easy and not stress about it! My poor brain would run in circles between fear and guilt and forced excitement as I tried to convince myself I was thinking positively while my subconscious mind took up the slack in sad but authentic dreams. Providing opportunities for mothers to feel guilt at not “thinking right” isn’t exactly the best way to provide a happy, stress-free gestation environment.

The focus on positive thinking as the cure-all for infertility bothers me for so many reasons. The emotions of women who are struggling with conceiving and carrying to term are already hormonally askew. It’s not fair or productive to criticize their thoughts when their thoughts are already so self-critical. But worse than that, playing this blame-the-brain game can keep a woman from researching to find the true source of her infertility.

Yes, we’ve all heard stories of the woman who tried for ten years to achieve a healthy pregnancy, but didn’t actually succeed until she quit trying. We’ve all heard about that friend of a friend who couldn’t get pregnant until she adopted a child. And haven’t we all heard the good old, “I think you’re just trying too hard.” Whatever that means.

What we need to hear more about is the power of rational problem solving. We need to hear more about what avenues we can pursue to heal our bodies and make our wombs hospitable again. We need to hear more about how to find doctors that can really help us conceive and carry a baby to term in a healthy way. We need to hear more about what we can do about this and less about what we think about this.

That is a motivating power.

Next time: Infertility and Practical Steps for Treating the Whole Mama

Julie Stockman lives in Farmland, Indiana where she homeschools her children with her husband, Jeff. She spends her days baking, gardening, keeping chickens, exploring the nature around them, practicing gratitude and mindfulness, and writing about it all on her blog, Heirloom Homestead.

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged | Comments (0)

Nutrition Guidelines for the Preconception Period

September 1, 2010 – 2:47 am

By Kim Corrigan-Oliver

Last month I discussed the importance of preparing for the journey of pregnancy and why that preparation is important.  In this post, which is an excerpt from the book I am currently writing on raising happy healthy babies, I will go over some specific nutritional guidelines for the preconception period.  Nutrition is important during the preconception period for two reasons; the first to create the best environment for conception to take place and second to prepare the body for the demands of pregnancy.

The following are some important nutritional considerations:

Include large amounts of fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables provide minerals, vitamins, antioxidants, phyto-nutrients, fiber and more, all of which are important in your health and well being. Organic is the best choice for avoiding the many chemicals used to grow conventional produce.  Many of these chemicals are known carcinogens, are detrimental to our health and have a negative impact on our fertility and the well being of your developing baby.  Choose organic as much as your wallet will allow.

Include cold water fish.  Essential fatty acids aid in hormone production, reduce inflammation in the body, form cell membranes around every cell in our body, improve blood flow and play a role regulating your menstrual cycle.  They also play a role in the production of prostaglandins, which regulate functions such as heart rate, blood clotting, blood pressure, fertility and conception.  Cold water fish provide high amounts of essential fatty acids.  Avoid tuna, swordfish, Chilean sea bass, grouper, orange roughy, shark, king mackerel, halibut, bluefish and tilefish due to mercury concerns.  Instead focus on anchovy, mackerel, Pollock, herring, rainbow trout, salmon (not farmed), sardines and smelt.  Avoid farmed fish as it can contain PCBs, dioxins, mercury and other chemicals that can impair fertility.  If you are vegetarian or vegan you can meet your essential fatty requirements by including plant based sources which include flaxseeds and flaxseed oil, hemp seeds and hemp seed oil, chia seeds, sea vegetables, walnuts and other nuts and seeds.

Include whole grains. Whole grains provide us with fiber and many important minerals and vitamins.  Fiber is extremely important nutrient in our diet – it plays a large role in keeping us regular, it helps rid the body of excess hormones and helps to stabilize blood sugar levels, which in turn aids in balancing hormones. It is also beneficial to avoid gluten.  Gluten is a protein found in some grains – wheat, spelt, kamut, barley and rye.  Many people have difficulty digesting gluten and are sensitive to it.  Avoiding foods that cause sensitivity is imperative to ensure your body functions optimally.  Gluten is also known to be very sticky and can block up the intestine, which in turn means things don’t move quite as well through your body – remember we need fiber and good digestion to help our bodies remove excess hormones.  Gluten free grains include quinoa, millet, oats, amaranth, rice, buckwheat and teff and are a much better choice.

Consume high fiber foods.  Fiber as mentioned above helps to regulate blood sugar levels which have been shown to decrease fertility issues by promoting healthy hormonal balance.  Fiber also keeps our digestive system moving helping to eliminate excess hormones from the body. Include a variety of whole grains, vegetables, fruits, legumes, nuts and seeds in your eating plan.

Choose only fermented organic soy products occasionally.  Although there is no conclusive recommendations regarding soy and fertility some research has suggested some women may be more sensitive to soy than others.  This sensitivity may affect fertility.  Soy also contains phytoestrogens which have estrogen mimicking properties, and can lead to hormonal imbalance.  According to The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition a small number of studies have shown that high levels of soy can increase menstrual cycle length, decrease follicle stimulating hormone and decrease luteinizing hormone – both important hormones in the female cycle necessary for ovulation.  Soy also contains phytic acid which prevents nutrients from being absorbed.  Phytic acid actually binds to nutrients like zinc or iron for instance and carries it out of the body.  If you have been trying to conceive or have had difficulty in the past I highly suggest avoiding soy.  Be a cautious consumer, soy is used in many processed foods as filler, if you are consuming processed foods read your labels!

Drink lots of water.  Water is necessary to ensure you are effectively flushing toxins out of your body, it ensures your kidneys are working effectively and helps to maintain your hydration levels.  Avoid bottled water; some of the plastics have been shown to contain BPA which can contribute to hormonal imbalances.  And tap water…it has many issues from pesticides to hormones, chlorine and fluoride– all of which are detrimental to our health and fertility.  Your best bet is filtered water.

Eliminate or minimize dairy consumption.  This one may confuse you a little because you have probably heard that you need dairy to meet your calcium needs, especially preconception and during pregnancy.  There are many other ways to meet your calcium needs without dairy.  Dairy is mucus forming and very congesting to our bodies.  It is also important to note that non organic dairy production uses hormones and antibiotics during production, both of which can lead to hormonal imbalances.  When trying to conceive it is best if we are easy on our digestion system, unfortunately for many of us dairy is difficult to digest.  When our digestive system is stressed the other systems in our body don’t work as well.  Your body must use a lot of energy to digest dairy, energy your body needs elsewhere to ensure optimum health and well being for conception.

Reduce meat and poultry consumption and choose organic.  Conventionally raised meat and poultry contain high levels of hormones and antibiotics which can contribute to hormonal imbalances.  We must also consider meat, like dairy, is difficult to digest, using up energy we need elsewhere.  Meat is also very acidifying; an acidic environment is not conducive to conception, sperm like an alkaline environment.  If you are eating meat, keep servings to three to four ounces, consume occasionally and choose organic.

Avoid sugar.  Sugar sends your blood sugar levels on a downward spiral and has a negative impact on your immune system, suppressing it for up to six hours after ingestion. Fluctuating blood sugar levels can lead to hormonal imbalance and therefore affect your ability to conceive.  One of the many ways it does this by causing your insulin levels to raise. When you eat a sugary food, your body needs to release insulin in order to stabilize the level of sugars in your blood. Insulin is a hormone, and when it is constantly saturating your system, it affects all of your other hormones.

It is also important to note that refined sugar requires specific minerals to break it down, the same ones stripped away when it was processed.  Your body can’t get these nutrients from refined sugar so it steals them from your own nutrient reserves so it can digest sugar.  Sugar has been named the “anti-nutrient” for this reason.  The nutrients required for your body to digest sugar are also key fertility nutrients such as calcium, chromium, magnesium and zinc. Think about how much sugar you ingest just by eating processed food, or snacking on chocolate and cookies; you can imagine how low your reserves of these essential nutrients may become.  Sugar also creates an acidic environment in the body, and sperm do not like acidity, they need an alkaline environment to thrive.  Avoid processed refined and artificial sugars.  If you need some sweetness in your life choose natural over refined, include honey, maple syrup and molasses

Eliminate alcohol and caffeine. Alcohol creates a lot of extra work for your body, especially your liver.  Your liver has to work hard to process and eliminate it from your system.  If the body is working hard to remove alcohol from your system it is being stressed unnecessarily, reducing the ability of it to function at its optimum level for conception.  Alcohol also impairs nutrient absorption, suppresses your immune system and can disrupt your menstrual cycle and reproductive function.  If trying to conceive, elimination is best.

Caffeine also negatively affects fertility, and yes I mean caffeine in coffee, tea, soda and chocolate.  While the mechanism for the adverse affect on fertility is not know, one theory suggests that the stimulant affects ovulation by causing changes in hormone levels, which in turn can hamper conception. It is best used in limited amounts or avoided when trying to conceive.

The food you eat has a large impact on your health and fertility.  Making changes to your diet can maximize your fertility, increase the chance of conception and prepare your body for the demanding, yet wonderful journey of pregnancy. Eat well!

Next month a look at herbs that can be beneficial during the preconception period.

*Image – Heirloom Tomato Salad from mnapoleon on Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cusegoyle/2601333555/

Resources

The Canadian Encyclopedia of Natural Medicine, Sherry Torkos, B.Sc. Phm.

Prescription for Nutritional Healing, Phyllis A. Balch, CNC

http://www.fertilekitchen.com/index.html

Kim Corrigan-Oliver is a first time mom. She is a certified holistic nutritionist specializing in nutrition for mom, baby and toddler.  She loves good food and to cook. And, she loves to share her passion for all of the above with those interested in learning more about feeding their babies and raising healthy happy children.  For more information please check out her website at www.yourgreenbaby.ca

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (1)

Pregnancy Loss Art

August 27, 2010 – 12:00 pm

Welcome to Pregnancy Loss Week 2010. The goal of this week is to serve women in the process of healing after pregnancy loss and to provide information to all of whom have been touched by it.

The following are photographs of loss-inspired art that I found on Flickr. All images are linked to the source. These and others are included in Innocence Lost.

Read More …

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , | Comments (0)

Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

August 27, 2010 – 2:18 am

Welcome to Pregnancy Loss Week 2010. The goal of this week is to serve women in the process of healing after pregnancy loss and to provide information to all of whom have been touched by it.

Pregnancy Loss: Stages of Grief

To say that losing a baby is traumatic is a collossal understatement. From the time that you first learn of the loss to the ‘other side’ when you’re physically and emotionally starting to pick up the pieces, you are likely to go through the wringer. Physical recovery is swift (bleeding/cramping should subside within two weeks) but the emotional recovery can take months or years. This is one of those ‘everything is normal’ periods as people react to grief in varied ways. Some women will be in denial, thinking that perhaps the doctor made a mistake. I’m guilty of that one as well as the hours of internet research that followed searching for an alternative explanation – the one story that proved that doctors make mistakes and ultrasounds are wrong. Anger is another (perfectly valid) response. Anger at the doctor for not finding ‘the problem’ sooner (when in fact, it is exceedingly rare to have warning signs). Anger with your friends and family members for their insensitive remarks in the post-loss period. Classics include:

At least you know that you can get pregnant

It happens all the time. I know lots of people who’ve lost babies

The baby would have been so sick anyway…it’s for the best

Everything will be fine with the next pregnancy

I’m sure many of you (readers) can add gems to this list. As Johanna talks about in her post on pregnancy loss, most people don’t really know what to say in these situations but feel that something needs to be said. Go easy on them. They’re trying to reach out to you.

Bargaining and depression often are two sides of the same coin. Bargaining: If I loose 20 pounds, I won’t have another loss… Depression: will I ever be able to sustain a pregnancy to term?…etc. In either case, since little is known about the cause of early pregnancy loss, it is really an unattainable goal to work to prevent a loss. Even in cases of late miscarriage and still birth, all too frequently an answer for ‘why’ doesn’t come. It can sometimes feel like we’re arming ourselves against a ghost.

The last stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the pain is behind you. It means that the pain is not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning and you’re able to function.

Whether you’re sad or angry or numb upon hearing the news, allowing yourself time to grieve is a critical part of the healing process. Let it unfold as it needs to. Elizabeth talks about the emotional roller coaster of miscarriage in A Story of Loss.

Trying Again…

I took an informal poll of women on our Facebook fans who experienced losses. I asked them: how long did you wait until trying again?  Twenty-five women responded. On average, they waited 5 months although the vast majority didn’t lose any time before trying again (waiting only 0-3 cycles).

In doing a little research after my first miscarriage – and I mean, barely scratching the surface – it became apparent that the 3 month wait ‘prescription’ is fairly standard. The idea behind it is that it allows not only your body to heal but also gives you a chance to work through the hardest period of grief. For some women, trying to conceive again as soon as it is safe is the best medicine psychologically. That’s not to say that they still aren’t grieving but for these women, looking forward to another pregnancy is something active and positive amidst tragedy. Trust your feelings. For the women and couples who decide to postpone trying to conceive – you know your situation – trust yourself.

How did you cope with a pregnancy loss?

Image: ‘Quilt Design’ by Mabith, http://www.flickr.com/photos/mabith/4781857297/in/set-72157603666153013/

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , , | Comments (1)

Pregnancy loss inspires launch of natural fertility-tracking website

August 26, 2010 – 8:58 am

A new website aimed at helping women conceive or avoid pregnancy naturally launched today internationally. The website, which was initially inspired by the founder’s pregnancy loss, uses cutting edge charting software to help women track their fertility.

A new membership-based website launched today with the objective of helping women grow their families naturally or organically space births. FertilityFlower.com works by charting various attributes of women’s monthly cycles in such a way that they are able to clearly see patterns which will indicate when they are most fertile.

FertilityFlower.com is a brand new website that helps women accurately identify their fertile phase by using the ‘sympto-thermal’ method. This is a natural technique where women graph their temperature upon waking and monitor other fertility symptoms (like cervical fluid, cervical position, etc.) for indications that they are nearing ovulation.

The website has a unique way of displaying the temperature graph and cervical fluid together in the same charting space so that their members can see how the two attributes relate and most importantly recognize the beginning of a fertile phase. Other unique features of FertilityFlower.com are the Symptom and Bleeding view screens.

Members can switch the chart viewer to see either their bleeding/spotting pattern for the cycle or their symptom volume. The symptom charting function includes a word cloud that spatially highlights those symptoms that are most commonly felt throughout the course of a cycle.

Knowledge of impending ovulation helps women to know when to time intercourse. If the goal is to grow their family, they will time intercourse as close to ovulation as possible. If the goal is to avoid pregnancy, they will avoid intercourse during the week leading up to ovulation.

As users interact with FertilityFlower.com, they learn about the transformation that their bodies go through during the course of a cycle as well as what’s normal for their particular body. Knowledge of this nature demystifies fertility for women, which minimizes or eliminates the need for expensive fertility procedures or chemical birth control, putting the control back into their hands.

FertilityFlower.com is flexible enough to accommodate women throughout their reproductive years. There are three sections: Seed, Sprout and Bloom, names that are in line with the gardening motif that runs throughout the website.

Seed is for women in the pre-conception stage. Seed members are those who are either actively trying to conceive their first child or are trying to avoid pregnancy naturally. Apart from temperature and symptom tracking, FertilityFlower.com gives its members a daily report of their fertility status with tips as to what they should look out for in the coming days. As well, the website produces cycle statistics and gives its members the ability to compare two or more charts using a clever overlay program.

Sprout is for women who are pregnant with their first child and helps them to track and document their experience of pregnancy. Sprout members are able to continue tracking their waking temperature through the first trimester (the value of such tracking is in the fact that a pattern of falling temperatures is indicative of an early miscarriage. Thus, the absence of such a pattern can be very reassuring to women who’ve experienced miscarriage before).

FertilityFlower.com has tailored the symptoms available in the Sprout section towards pregnant women. Members can learn about the development of the baby from week to week via a report generating function.

FertilityFlower.com’s third section, Bloom, is aimed at women who are already mothers. Bloom members who are trying to conceive their next child or space births can interact with the fertility charting aspects of the website. Bloom members who are presently pregnant with a subsequent child will be able to document that pregnancy in much the same way as Sprout members.

While apparently three distinct sections, they flow together seamlessly. Seed members who become pregnant automatically move into the Sprout section and after giving birth, into Bloom. Thus, FertilityFlower.com has the capacity to carry women through their entire reproductive years.

Kimberly Ann Račić, founder of FertilityFlower.com, whose first miscarriage brought her to the sympto-thermal method in the first place, had this to say about the launch:

“We are very excited about the launch of our new site. FertilityFlower.com is all about educating women. There are only a few days a month when it’s physically possible for a woman to get pregnant and knowing when it is or isn’t possible will put women (and couples) back in charge of their fertility.”

“We haven’t even launched yet and have already gained a lot of support and interest via Facebook and Twitter. As we speak, FertilityFlower.com is approaching almost 2,000 Facebook Fans, which is phenomenal and very gratifying to me as the founder. Our number one aim is to help women better understand their bodies and natural cycles, so that they don’t have to rely on chemicals and invasive techniques to maximise or reduce their chances of pregnancy. If something can be done naturally, that’s how it should be done.”

“FertilityFlower.com provides a win-win solution all around – it’s healthy, it’s natural, you are in control and it works.”

LINK http://www.FertilityFlower.com

ENDS

By Kimberly | Posted in Press | Comments (0)

The Doodles

August 26, 2010 – 12:01 am

This was originally published in Busted Babymaker on March 26, 2008. The name ‘Doodles’ refers to their fraternal twins, Talia and Noah. This is posted with the permission of the author.

I apologize in advance for how horrifying this will be to read, particularly for those pregnant. I hate that my story will cause additional anxiety for others. I think it will be helpful for me to write out everything that happened though, as I want to make sure I always remember everything, even the worst moments.

So as most of my readers know, I’d been having pelvic pain for several weeks but we’d repeatedly checked my cervix, had ultrasounds, and everything appeared ok (I have also asked my doctor since if this may have been an indication of the impending abruption and she said possibly but there would have been no way of knowing that and they still couldn’t have fixed it). Usually this pain was only when standing/walking/changing position. So no, there wasn’t any warning of this.

Monday night, while sitting in bed, I felt pelvic pain even though I wan’t moving around or anything. This happened a few times but each time it went away after a few minutes. Around 8:30 (8:23 to be exact) it happened again and this time I felt my uterus harden, so I thought it was perhaps a contraction – because there was pain I wasn’t sure if it was Braxton Hicks or the real thing, but it didn’t hurt that badly. I started keeping track and told DH we’d call the doctor if I had more than 4 in an hour. I had two more, but wasn’t positive because they didn’t hurt that badly and I was laying on my side so it was hard to feel my uterus. (I kept changing position, drinking water, et cetera to see if that made it stop). When I felt the fourth one I got up to go to the bathroom, and told DH I’d call the doctor soon.

When I went to the bathroom there was bright red blood. I screamed “Oh my god” and DH came running. I think I went into shock immediately, as my legs started trembling and my teeth started chattering. We called the emergency number for our doctor’s office and my doctor called us back about 2 minutes later. I told her what was happening and she told us to go straight to labor and delivery. I asked if there was any way both babies would be ok and she said yes.

On the way to the hospital the cramping was getting worse, to where it actually hurt, and seemed to become more consistent. I still didn’t think it was contractions. I kept fearing what I thought was the worst, which was that I was miscarrying one of my babies. It didn’t even cross my mind that I’d lose both.

When we got to the hospital, the labor and delivery reception desk sent me upstairs to labor and delivery immediately (there were several people in the waiting area). We waited in a waiting room upstairs for about 5 minutes before a nurse came and got me. I went to the bathroom once while we waited and the bleeding was still what I would describe as “spotting” (i.e. only when I wiped, some clotting).

When we went back to a room I changed into a gown, and the nurse asked me to describe what had happened/was happening. A lot of time passed during which nothing really happened, and she said we were waiting for ultrasound to come. She and another nurse checked the doppler and after some trouble found what seemed to be two distinct heartbeats (after I showed them where we usually heard each heartbeat). I actually thought at this point that there was a possibility everything would be ok, even though when I went to the bathroom the bleeding was increasing.

Things quickly started getting worse as my cramping became much stronger. The monitor they’d put on me wasn’t picking up contractions, but it wasn’t in the right place, as it became very obvious these were contractions (2-3 minutes apart, some were so painful I was practically crying and screaming, which is extremely rare for me from pain). When the contractions became really bad DH started demanding to know when the doctor would come to the room (so far we’d been with the nurses only).

I was in the middle of a painful contraction when a new face leaned over me; it was the resident on call. She said she would examine me and see if she could figure out what was happening. First she did an ultrasound and it showed both babies, and I recall her saying that there was heart movement on both. Then she examined me. A moment later she came up and stood by me and took my hand and told me that she didn’t feel any cervix, and that she felt a big bag of water in my vagina, which meant that I was in labor, and that there wasn’t anything they could do to stop it.

I completely lost it, and started begging her to fix it and couldn’t they give me medicine to make it stop, at least until I was 24 weeks, as it was only 5 days away. She said that wasn’t how the medicine worked and there wasn’t anything they could do. I asked if they could try to save our babies and she told us at 23 weeks the NICU usually can’t do anything but she’d talk to them. They also said they were calling my doctor.

I don’t remember much between then and when my doctor arrived, although I think some time passed. I called my mom and she came right away, and DH called his parents. I was still having contractions every 2-3 minutes, some awful, some not as bad. Finally my doctor arrived. I asked again if she was sure there wasn’t anything they could do, if she could give me terbutaline or something, and she said that wasn’t even proven effective, and it was given more for contractions. She said they sometimes give magnesium but that it wouldn’t work in my situation. I asked again if they could save our babies since we were so close to 24 weeks and she said she wouldn’t speak for the pediatricians but that someone would be up to talk to us.

I was having contractions this whole time, and during a particularly bad one my doctor examined me to confirm the resident’s appraisal, and on each arm one nurse inserted an IV and another took blood. I barely remember any of this happening. Then my doctor asked if I’d like an epidural once my blood tests confirmed it was ok.

The pediatrician from NICU came to talk to us. At first we just wanted them to say they’d try and save our babies, but after talking to her things became more complicated. She said at 24 weeks they automatically do everything they can, and at 23 weeks or earlier they never do anything. She said between 23 and 24 weeks, we have to decide if we want them to do everything they can, or to just let nature take its course. I still can’t believe that with everything already happening we had to make this kind of decision.

At first we were leaning towards doing everything, but as we talked to the doctors more and got more information, we decided not to. The neonatologist told us that of babies born at this stage, approximately 50% will survive (assuming the neonatologists are present at delivery and do everything they can to resuscitate, etc..). Of the 50% that survive, she said most would have severe disabilities, meaning not physical therapy, etc., but blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy. Essentially she said most babies who were born at this stage and survived would never walk, run, see, go to school or anything of that nature. Not to mention, those odds are for singletons, and our doodles have measured a little small throughout this pregnancy, meaning we knew they’d likely be more at the barely 23 weeks size.

We just couldn’t face those odds and force that kind of life on our doodles for our own selfish reasons of wanting a baby so badly. I completely understand anyone who may made have or would make the other decision though. Even after we’d made our choice (which took several hours and multiple visits from the pediatrician, neonatologist, our OB and the nurse asking us if we’d decided yet since they needed to know before we delivered) I kept questioning it. I kept trying to sleep (I had been given the epidural at some point during this) and would look over at the baby bed in the corner. I kept worrying that they were going to be delivered and I’d hold them and they’d cry and look at me and then I’d have to let them die. I asked our OB though, and she said it was unlikely they’d be able to open their eyes yet at this stage.

Although I felt fine (they said to tell them if I felt lower pressure which would mean I was ready to deliver) my doctor checked me around 5 am and said I was pretty much ready. Luckily the labor was fairly quick and didn’t really hurt. I delivered Doodle A at 5:32 am on March 25. She weighed exactly 1 lb. I didn’t really start crying very hard until I heard them read the birth time. They took her to the baby bed and I couldn’t really see her. Doodle B came at 5:40 am, at 1 lb 1 oz. He actually made tiny little noises that sounded like crying, which was the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life. There were only a couple though, thank god.

The neonatologist was there to clean them and wrap them up for us. She told us that Doodle A’s heart wasn’t beating when she was born – her cord had wrapped around her neck and she was somewhat bruised from that. She said that even had we decided beforehand to do everything we could to resuscitate, Doodle A wouldn’t have made it as she was too small to resuscitate, use the breathing tube on, et cetera. Doodle B, as we knew, was alive, but she said at his size and gestation she had never seen a white male baby make it even after doing everything. So ultimately we are at peace with our decision and know that at least this way they were peaceful and didn’t suffer. The neonatologist also had medication to give Doodle B to relieve any pain he might have felt before he passed. They watched him in the bed until his heart stopped, probably around 8 or 9 am.

After I delivered the placentas and everything I laid in the bed. We wanted to wait until they had both passed before we held them. My mom was there the whole time and my brother and his wife came at some point in the morning after Doodle B had passed. There were a lot of administrative questions (did we want an autopsy, want to talk to a social worker/chaplain, did we want to name them , did we want to bury them ourselves or let the hospital take care of them, etc.). We didn’t name them, but had them write Baby A and Baby B on their cards for our memory boxes — we got a memory box for each with a card with their footprint, size and date of birth, the tape measure they used to measure them, the little hats they put on them, et cetera. The hospital took pictures of them which they will send to us. They offered us pictures of us holding them but we declined. We also declined the autopsies since we knew what had happened, and we decided to let the hospital take care of the Doodles.

We held them for several minutes and got to look at them. Doodle A really did have my nose just like DH had joked from the ultrasound, and I also thought Doodle B had his nose. My mom agreed. They were so tiny – their heads were maybe the size of plums, their bodies barely larger than a barbie doll’s. They were the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. They were so peaceful.

We stayed in the room a while longer and just before they moved me upstairs to a regular room, we held them one more time to say goodbye. The most painful part for me was hearing DH cry so hard; he was so strong and wonderful throughout everything and took such good care of me. The only thing I could ever imagine worse than what happened would be losing him.

Yesterday around 11 am I moved to a regular room and have been here since. I hadn’t slept at all since 4am on March 24, and DH had slept only a little while (about 30 minutes). I kept trying to sleep yesterday but couldn’t. I was so scared I’d wake up and forget what happened and have to relive it all over again. My mom and brother and sister in law spent most of the day with us on and off at the hospital, and my best friend and her husband came to see us last night.

I saw my OB this morning. I need a Rhogam shot (since I am O-) and can go anytime I want. I think I will stay here for another few hours and rest. I’m a bit nervous to go home as we have baby stuff in the house, pregnancy books, a closet full of maternity clothes, and a guest room we painted bright green for the doodles. But I need to go home.

My doctor said I should take 4-6 weeks off work. I’ll probably do 4, but we’ll see. DH and I would like to get away somewhere to distract us, if I can travel. We were thinking maybe Paris, and hopefully my brother and sister in law and their kids could come meet us for part of the trip (they live in Berlin right now).

I keep focusing on administrative concerns, like cancelling doctor’s appointments (DH and my mom did most of that for me yesterday), cancelling my childbirth and breastfeeding classes (my OB said she’d have the hospital take care of that), cancelling our furniture orders which are supposed to be delivered this weekend, figuring out what to do with the shower gifts we’ve already received.

I also am continually thinking X hours ago…Before the labor started I said to DH “4 hours ago I was home in bed and thought everything was fine.”…Yesterday morning it was “5 hours ago the Doodles were still inside me”…Today it’s “24 hours ago they were still in the room with us.” There are also the thoughts of “Just this weekend I was thinking how close I was to third trimester”, and “I’m supposed to have a baby shower in less than 2 weeks.”

I know we will be ok, but right now it’s so hard to see how. I really just can’t picture going back to my life, to my job, to my house, and doing anything like I used to do. My entire life has revolved around getting and staying pregnant, and preparing for our Doodles. I don’t know what else to do.

As far as trying again, we can’t for a few months, and hopefully once we have the ok we’ll be ready emotionally. I was so anxious this whole pregnancy, it’s unfathomable to me how I’ll get through another after going through this. My OB talked to some high risk OBs/specialists, and she said before we try again they recommend I get labs done to rule out autoimmune/clotting issues, although she said that’s unlikely what the issue was. They also said it would be less risky if we had a singleton, so I suppose when we go back to the RE we will probably only have one embryo transferred if/when we do IVF or FET again. We have two snowbabies right now, and three additional covered IVF cycles (maybe 5, depending on whether Doodle B was considered a “Live Birth”, but I don’t really want to think about that for now).

We’re so grateful to all of our family and friends who have been taking care of us through this. Its so sad that this is causing pain for so many people, but it really helps to know there are so many out there who love us. At least it gives us a reminder of how wonderful people can be, and that the world isn’t all awful.

(Post Script) Busted Babymaker gave birth to a healthy baby boy a little over a year later. ’Toodle’ was born on June 17, 2009.

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , | Comments (3)

Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

August 25, 2010 – 11:20 am

Welcome to Pregnancy Loss Week 2010. The goal of this week is to serve women in the process of healing after pregnancy loss and to provide information to all of whom have been touched by it. Part of this end will be accomplished through a blog carnival. We received several entries through the open call for submissions and so will be showing them as we go through the week. The first set of entries was featured here on the topic of mothering after a loss and how the experience of pregnancy changed as a result of the loss.

Women who experience pregnancy loss often characterize it as a feeling of lost innocence. The idea that a pregnancy automatically results in a baby at end of the day is gone forever.

Samantha's Story

Today’s blog entries come under the umbrella of how losses were memorialized as well as how it was experienced by the grandparents.

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Brooke at Solitary Insanity talks about finding a meaningful way to remember her 11 week loss in A Necklace for Lemon. ˝I fell in love with the lemon necklace because it’s such a simple piece – that for me – carries significant meaning…˝

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Molly at Tiny Footprints on my Heart describes the details of the ceremony that accompanied the burial of her Noah in Noah’s Box/Ceremony. ˝I wanted to share some pictures of the box we buried Noah in and write a little bit about the ceremony we had for him the day he was born/buried.˝

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Amanda tackles how the loss effected her mothering as well as how she memorialized the tragedy in this two part Q&A. ˝Even though we move on with our lives, the loss of that baby will always leave an empty space.  We may go an to have more children, but none will ever replace the one who was lost.˝

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April at My Feminine Mind wrote an open letter to the baby that she won’t get to know in A Letter to My Child. ˝Your dad and I wanted you to come to us so much. When we learned that you were growing inside me we were happy and we told everyone we know. Even though no one knew you and no one could see you, everyone was happy to learn of your existence.˝

Not all of the submissions for the blog carnival were written prose. Some came to us in the form of poetry. The following section features those entries.

Cassandra wrote a poem entitled Mommy’s Promise.

Stacy wrote two poems about the loss of her newborn, Anthony: Please Don’t Tell Them You Only Held Me For 10 Seconds and Anthony’s Birth.

And finally, the grandparent’s perspective was offered up by Cecelia who talks about the loss of her first grandchild in A Grandmother’s Perspective. She describes the pain of loosing both a grandchild and also seeing her daughter in such pain. ˝As her mom, I felt pretty helpless.  I tried to minister to them both by being there,holding hands, doing a little cooking,cleaning,washing,  but I couldn’t really help the emotional part enough to make a difference at that time. She told me that I did help, so maybe it was being there with them.˝

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , | Comments (3)

The Birth of Sybella Eve

August 24, 2010 – 12:01 am

This is the story of Sybella Eve, born to Steph and Kelvin Wade in Sydney, Australia on April 24th, 2010. Sybella was born still at 34 weeks for unknown reasons. By Steph Wade

We arrived at the hospital at 8.00 am. I had no idea what to expect, I was unprepared for labour but didnt care. We had no bags, I thought I’d be going home that night. I dont know why I thought that.

The midwives welcomed us with warmth and empathy. We were shown to the same room that we had been in the night before. It was far away from the other birthing suites, but not far enough away to not be able to hear the first cries of live newborns being birthed. Each time I heard one, I stiffened. It was a beautiful sound. But like a knife in my gut.

I am not sure I had fully yet come to terms with what was about to happen. I felt removed from the whole situation, like it was happening to someone else, and I was watching. The doctor came in and explained the process. She would check my cervix to gauge dilation. She assured me I would not yet be dilated. I disagreed. I knew I was. She laughed softly, as if she didnt believe me. She continued to explain that they would give me something to open the cervix, then they would break the waters. After the waters were broken, they would administer cytocin (is that how you spell it?) to induce the labour. The entire process would take at least a day. 12 hours alone, just to get the cervix open. I shrugged with ambivalence. It’d be open, already. Sure enough, the doctor checked and with a surprised look and expression announced that the cervix was open and they’d go straight to breaking the waters. That experience was horrible. I did not like it at all. Even though I knew it was totally necessary, I felt completely “invaded,” but not through any fault of the doctor. I just cant explain it. It was as if the whole process had begun, and it was real and there was no turning back. The next time I would leave the hospital I would no longer be pregnant, nor would I have a baby with me. So rupturing the waters symbolised that heartbreak.

The doctor on duty was one of the most caring, sympathetic, nurturing women I have ever met. I cannot commend her enough. She saw me through from beginning to end with respect and sincerity at every turn. From that point, I started contracting straight away. It was about 9.00 am at this stage. Again, I was told to expect that he labour, being my first actual labour, would be hours and hours. However, again, I disagreed. “She’ll be born before the sun goes down” I said to Kelvin. “We’ll see this day out together.”

As we waited for the cytocin drip to be administered, I forgot why we were there. Kelvin and I joked and laughed. We joked with the midwife on duty, Deb, about The Wiggles and how I couldnt stand them. I told my brother, who was there for support for the early part, about how I commented on his Facebook status update a week ago, and I was half asleep when I did it, which is why it didnt make sense. We had a good laugh about that.

I began to get rather nervous at that stage. I hadnt been induced yet, but the contractions were getting stronger anyway! I asked for some pain relief and was given a miniscule amount of morphine. It did not dull the pain, however. It mainly made me sleepy and less nervous. By the time they started the drip, it had worn off.

Labour began with a vengeance once the cytocin was in. Full on, no breaks, 50 seconds between contractions within two hours. I was told to move around, stand up, let gravity work for me. But moving made the pain worse, and all I wanted to do was curl up and hibernate on the bed. So that’s what I did, and it worked for me.

Deb was the midwife who had began her shift with me as her patient. Deb was kind, patient and nurturing. She looked like Toni Collette and as I moaned in pain and she wiped my brow, I was murmuring “thank you Toni.” She was softly spoken and listened to me with her full attention. She asked me to try the gas, and respected me when I said it made me feel out of control. My other midwife, Vanessa, was the polar opposite. Down to earth, pragmatic, straight to the point. At first we were intimidated by her “tough” veneer, but as time went on and labour progressed, she showed herself to be encouraging, supportive and completely knowledgable in what she was doing. I appreciated how straight to the point she was, because even though it sounds “unfeeling,” the truth is, she was the most sincere, respectful midwife ever. She looked straight in my eyes and told me how well I was doing. She listened to me when I said I needed to push and coached me brilliantly. I had Deb stroking me, holding my hand and speaking softly, and I had Vanessa as the strong, take charge leader, whose honesty and sincerity was incredible.

After Fluffy Midwife from the night before, I realised that I had been given the perfect balance of soft and strong from these incredible women. And I think Sybella picked them for me. She chose the two most experienced midwives, the two that I could relate to the most, and the two whose combined expertise and personality were exactly right for me. I hope I have made it clear how in love I am with these midwives!

Deb was due to finish at 3.00 pm. At 2.50 pm, I went into transition. The labour amped up, and I basically was having one long contraction for the next hour. Because I went into transition at that time, Deb, although it was a Saturday and she had two little boys at home, stayed until Sybella was born an hour later.  Kelvin, too, was a Godsend. He was supportive, encouraging and just brilliant. It must have taken indescribable strength to watch his wife in such physical and emotional pain and be my rock, when he was obviously experiencing his own private pain. But he was just there, for me, putting himself aside for the duration. I was so proud of him. At one point, Vanessa exclaimed “the head is right there!” Sybella was ready to be born. I was coached through the pushing and Sybella, all 5 pounds and 12 ounces of her, slipped out silently at 4.01 pm. Kelvin looked at her, then smiled and looked at me, a silent acknowledgement that she looked okay. I had relayed to him earlier that I was scared of what Sybella would look like, having been dead for three days. But my little girl looked perfect. She was handed to me and I looked at her in amazement. She looked like Kelvin. She was beautiful. At 5 pounds, she was big for her gestation of 34 weeks, but not beefy, just long. She had long, spindly arms and legs, tiny little blonde eyelashes and dark curly hair. Her hands and feet were gorgeous. Long nail beds and delicate fingers and toes. Tiny little creases on her palms. Her lips were ruby red and so were her nails. I think it is because when a baby dies in utero, blood pools in those areas.

I watched her and marvelled. My daughter. I felt such peace. It was her peace, emanating from her soul, which was still in the room. I knew she would be born today, as I looked out the window and watched the sun go down. The weather outside had been sunny all day. Now it had started to rain, as I held Sybella and stroked her face.

The Earth was crying for her.

Steph, a former English and Social Studies teacher, writes at Born Still. They also have a son, Jack (age 4).  This post was re-published on Fertility Flower with the permission of the author.

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , | Comments (5)

Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

August 23, 2010 – 11:20 am

Welcome to Pregnancy Loss Week 2010. The goal of this week is to serve women in the process of healing after pregnancy loss and to provide information to all of whom have been touched by it. Part of this end will be accomplished through a blog carnival. We received several entries through the open call for submissions and so will be showing them as we go through the week.

Women who experience pregnancy loss often characterize it as a feeling of lost innocence. The idea that a pregnancy automatically results in a baby at end of the day is gone forever. Today’s blog entries come under the umbrella of how losses effect us in terms of our mothering and our experience of subsequent pregnancies.

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Steph from Born Still writes about gratitude for her son Jack after loosing Sybella at 34 weeks followed by the fear that she’d loose him too in Mothering After Loss. ˝I feel incredibly lucky that I have a living child. The only thing worse than experiencing the death of your child is experiencing the death of your ONLY child…˝

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Pregnancy Trauma from Footprints On My Heart talks about the experience of being pregnant again after a 2nd trimester loss - ˝that feeling of not wanting to talk about it out loud—and feeling nervous, skittish, and like saying “stop!” if other people talk about it out loud (like, “do you actually think I’m going to have a living baby?”)….˝

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I Am So Thankful reminds us to cherish our living children even in the face of the trials and frustrations – ˝always try to stop and think how LUCKY I am, how truly BLESSED I am for the child who just let the indoor cat out or colored on the wall. I thank God as I wipe up broken eggs that my little helper “helped” me (next to impossible).˝

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Treina talked about how loosing her neonate son Arawn at 10 days old prompts her to cherish every day in He Opened My Eyes. ˝I suddenly understood that even though he was gone, I still had a duty to him. My duty was to love life and every experience I get the honor of witnessing.˝

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The Connected Mom talks about the roller coaster of pregnancy loss and how we should feel entitled to mourn that loss in Give Sorrow Words. ˝But these deaths for us are very real. As real as the loss of any grandparent, friend, or loved one.˝

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Fertility Flower talks about the cooling effect of pregnancy loss on subsequent pregnancies in Mothering After Miscarriage. ˝We all love our children. And women who experience pregnancy loss don’t love their children more than those who have problem-free pregnancies and living children. But I feel like women who’ve lost a pregnancy or a child soon after birth are painfully aware of how quickly things can go wrong.˝

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , | Comments (5)

From Cloth Diaper Zero to Hero!

August 18, 2010 – 12:10 am

By Julia Clark

Spencer showing off his cloth diapers

Cloth diapering can be overwhelming and can definitely appear confusing, especially to a mom who hasn’t seen modern cloth diapers.  Most envision the days of old when their moms and grandmoms used to use square cotton cloth diapers, sharp pins, and itchy plastic bubble pants that were reminiscent of an ugly shower curtain liner.

To make matters worse there’s the issue of what to do with the poop?  Another common conclusion those considering cloth jump to is that poopy diapers have to be washed, by hand, in the toilet, swished around, wrung out….I think this is where the thought process ends for most who don’t have a cloth diaper role model to show them the ropes.  I must admit, I cloth diapered my sons but I did not cloth diaper my daughter, in fact I never even considered it because of the HUGE inconvenience factor that I thought existed.  I can see it clearly in my minds eye, my visions of cloth ended as quickly as they began with me bent over a toilet, sopping wet poopy diapers in hand, making a huge mess.

But the truth is that cloth diapers are NOT inconvenient and while the old fashioned diapers our moms and grandmoms used still do exist, there are many other options available that make cloth diapering as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Once you learn the basics you’ll be a Cloth Diapering Hero in no time!

  • Prefolds, Fitteds, Flats, Covers-First step is recognizing which are waterproof and which require a waterproof cover.  Prefolds, Fitteds and Flats all require a waterproof outer layer which means a cover of some sort is required.
  • Pocket Diapers, All-In-Ones, Onesize Diapers, Hybrids-All of these styles have a built in waterproof outer shell that contains moisture and aside from the AIO, all can be customized to suit your needs by using them with various types of absorbent inserts and some even have a biodegradable option.
  • Fasteners-While pins are definitely still available, the evolution of cloth has led to much more tailored diapers and covers and in many cases the cover or outer shell fastens with either velcro-like tabs or snaps which hold the diaper beneath in place without the need for pins.
  • How many do you need? This answer depends on how often you want to wash diapers.  I do not recommend going more than 2-3 days without washing.  Treat your diapers like you’d treat a basket of wet laundry, the longer you let them sit the more likely they will be to develop odors and sometimes even mold.  If you have a newborn in cloth, newborns need changing more frequently than older babies, and you want to do laundry every other day, then I recommend you have approximately 24-36 diapers.  If you were to be using prefolds and covers exclusively then I would suggest 6-10 covers and 2-3 dozen prefolds.

How many you need is really open to interpretation and depends a lot on what styles you have and the age of the baby or toddler.  No matter what, you’re going to end up wanting more than you need, trust me!

  • What about the poop? The poop factor is really not that bad. First let me share with you a little known fact, in fine print on each package of disposable diapers it informs you that you should be shaking the poop off into the toilet before disposing of the diaper.  Human waste is not intended for landfills. When you take that into consideration, the fact that you have to deal with the poop either way, cloth starts to seem a whole lot less inconvenient when compared to disposables.

You might be surprised to read this, but baby poop, especially breastfed baby poop, washes out nicely in a rinse cycle.  If you prefer to keep as much poop as possible  out of your washing machine then you can invest in a diaper sprayer.  Diaper sprayers  attach easily to your toilet and allow you to hold the soiled diaper over the toilet and spray off the poop.  When solids are introduced and poop becomes more firm you’ll be happy to know that most can simply be shaken off into the toilet.

  • How do you wash them? First you need a cloth diaper safe detergent, something free and clear of fabric softeners and fancy fragrances.  Fabric softeners should never be used in either the wash or the dryer when laundering your diapers because it coats your diapers and can cause them to repel, leak, and also get the stinkies.

I recommend a rinse cycle to help rinse out the urine and any extra poop that’s adhered to  the diapers.  Leave the diapers to soak in the rinse for 30 minutes and then finish the  cycle.  Add your detergent and then wash.

There is a learning curve when washing diapers because of all the various detergents, front loaders, top loaders, well water, soft water, etc.  Trial and error is the best way to  find out what will work best for your specific set of circumstances.

So these are the basics in a nutshell.  We’ll cover some of these topics in depth in future posts.  It’s important to remember that cloth diapering becomes not only a lifestyle choice like recycling your aluminum cans, but it also becomes a hobby and for most an addicition.  Cloth diapering moms don’t stay newbies and beginners for long because once you get into it you’ve researched and read all you can get your hands on and that will make you an expert real quick!

Julie, a.k.a The Cloth Diaper Geek, is a wahm to three crazy kids; Guinnevere age 7 and identical twin sons Mason & Spencer who are almost 4.  She owns Earth Angels Diaper Co. and her blog Diaper Discussions.  She resides in Central Florida.

By Kimberly | Posted in Blog, Home Sweet Home | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)