By Julie Stockman

I have a defense mechanism that has always served me well. I expect the worst while hoping for the best. If things work out for the best, I can rejoice. If they work out for the worst, well…at least I was right. Some simply call it “not getting my hopes up.”

When I was suffering infertility and multiple miscarriages between my first and second child, this is exactly the way I approached each new pregnancy. After the first unexpected pregnancy loss, I tried to expect the worst – bleeding, cramping, loss of pregnancy symptoms – every single day throughout the first trimester. Never again did I want to plan with excitement for the day our beautiful, healthy baby would be born, only to be crushed by grief at the sight of bleeding in a public restroom stall.

But as I began to read possible reasons for my infertility, over and over again I read authors talking about the power of positive thinking for a pregnancy. All I needed to do, they asserted, was quit doubting my body’s abilities, visualize a healthy pregnancy and a strong developing baby, and – above all – remain calm and unstressed.  Apparently, I could think myself pregnant.

The problem was, what I heard was that I could just as easily think myself not pregnant. After every miscarriage, I wondered, “Did I cause this?” Did my natural defense mechanism cause this miscarriage? Was I hurting my little babies-to-be by indulging a realistic outlook instead of an ignorantly positive one? Was I causing my body to not cooperate by worrying about each pregnancy instead of remaining calm and assured of a positive outcome?

The mind games a pregnant woman can play with herself are already intense. Those authors who were promoting positive thinking as the infertility cure were really just placing the blame for my infertility squarely on my shoulders, all the while telling me to take it easy and not stress about it! My poor brain would run in circles between fear and guilt and forced excitement as I tried to convince myself I was thinking positively while my subconscious mind took up the slack in sad but authentic dreams. Providing opportunities for mothers to feel guilt at not “thinking right” isn’t exactly the best way to provide a happy, stress-free gestation environment.

The focus on positive thinking as the cure-all for infertility bothers me for so many reasons. The emotions of women who are struggling with conceiving and carrying to term are already hormonally askew. It’s not fair or productive to criticize their thoughts when their thoughts are already so self-critical. But worse than that, playing this blame-the-brain game can keep a woman from researching to find the true source of her infertility.

Yes, we’ve all heard stories of the woman who tried for ten years to achieve a healthy pregnancy, but didn’t actually succeed until she quit trying. We’ve all heard about that friend of a friend who couldn’t get pregnant until she adopted a child. And haven’t we all heard the good old, “I think you’re just trying too hard.” Whatever that means.

What we need to hear more about is the power of rational problem solving. We need to hear more about what avenues we can pursue to heal our bodies and make our wombs hospitable again. We need to hear more about how to find doctors that can really help us conceive and carry a baby to term in a healthy way. We need to hear more about what we can do about this and less about what we think about this.

That is a motivating power.

Other posts by Julie Stockman that might be of interest:

Ideas for Finding a Good Naturopath or Nutritionist in Your Area

Infertility and Practical Steps For Treating The Whole Mama

Julie Stockman lives in Farmland, Indiana where she homeschools her children with her husband, Jeff. She spends her days baking, gardening, keeping chickens, exploring the nature around them, practicing gratitude and mindfulness, and writing about it all on her blog, Heirloom Homestead.

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