Welcome to Pregnancy Loss Week 2010. The goal of this week is to serve women in the process of healing after pregnancy loss and to provide information to all of whom have been touched by it.

Pregnancy Loss: Stages of Grief

To say that losing a baby is traumatic is a collossal understatement. From the time that you first learn of the loss to the ‘other side’ when you’re physically and emotionally starting to pick up the pieces, you are likely to go through the wringer. Physical recovery is swift (bleeding/cramping should subside within two weeks) but the emotional recovery can take months or years. This is one of those ‘everything is normal’ periods as people react to grief in varied ways. Some women will be in denial, thinking that perhaps the doctor made a mistake. I’m guilty of that one as well as the hours of internet research that followed searching for an alternative explanation – the one story that proved that doctors make mistakes and ultrasounds are wrong. Anger is another (perfectly valid) response. Anger at the doctor for not finding ‘the problem’ sooner (when in fact, it is exceedingly rare to have warning signs). Anger with your friends and family members for their insensitive remarks in the post-loss period. Classics include:

At least you know that you can get pregnant

It happens all the time. I know lots of people who’ve lost babies

The baby would have been so sick anyway…it’s for the best

Everything will be fine with the next pregnancy

I’m sure many of you (readers) can add gems to this list. As Johanna talks about in her post on pregnancy loss, most people don’t really know what to say in these situations but feel that something needs to be said. Go easy on them. They’re trying to reach out to you.

Bargaining and depression often are two sides of the same coin. Bargaining: If I loose 20 pounds, I won’t have another loss… Depression: will I ever be able to sustain a pregnancy to term?…etc. In either case, since little is known about the cause of early pregnancy loss, it is really an unattainable goal to work to prevent a loss. Even in cases of late miscarriage and still birth, all too frequently an answer for ‘why’ doesn’t come. It can sometimes feel like we’re arming ourselves against a ghost.

The last stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the pain is behind you. It means that the pain is not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning and you’re able to function.

Whether you’re sad or angry or numb upon hearing the news, allowing yourself time to grieve is a critical part of the healing process. Let it unfold as it needs to. Elizabeth talks about the emotional roller coaster of miscarriage in A Story of Loss.

Trying Again…

I took an informal poll of women on our Facebook fans who experienced losses. I asked them: how long did you wait until trying again?  Twenty-five women responded. On average, they waited 5 months although the vast majority didn’t lose any time before trying again (waiting only 0-3 cycles).

In doing a little research after my first miscarriage – and I mean, barely scratching the surface – it became apparent that the 3 month wait ‘prescription’ is fairly standard. The idea behind it is that it allows not only your body to heal but also gives you a chance to work through the hardest period of grief. For some women, trying to conceive again as soon as it is safe is the best medicine psychologically. That’s not to say that they still aren’t grieving but for these women, looking forward to another pregnancy is something active and positive amidst tragedy. Trust your feelings. For the women and couples who decide to postpone trying to conceive – you know your situation – trust yourself.

How did you cope with a pregnancy loss?

Image: ‘Quilt Design’ by Mabith, http://www.flickr.com/photos/mabith/4781857297/in/set-72157603666153013/

***Pregnancy Loss Week 2010***

Monday: Pregnancy Loss, Mothering and the Next Baby

Tuesday: The Birth of Sybella Eve

Wednesday: Remembering the Losses and Extended Family

Thursday: The Doodles

Friday: Pregnancy Loss and Trying Again and Pregnancy Loss-inspired Art